Winner | Fear Writing Contest

Susan Hettinger of Olympia, Washington for “My Last Story”

My last story will scare the bee-jesus out of little kids. It will cause them to doubt the safety of their homes and the reliability and intentions of their parents. It will identify the dangers of nocturnal poisonous spiders, commercial air travel, and committed relationships.

My last story will make middle-schoolers look under their beds, demand multiple nightlights, and refuse cub scout camping trips. It will cast doubt on the motives of their grandparents, priests in confessionals, and firemen in big red trucks.

My last story will give adolescents lively descriptions of slaughterhouses. It will introduce them to the ways we murder lesser creatures to produce hamburgers, pastrami sandwiches and BLTs, and include memorable video and audio clips of these processes. Also cannibalism.

My last story will feature adult characters displaying the fascinating symptoms of leprosy, advanced syphilis, hemorrhagic fever and other contagious disorders characterized by oozing open sores with protruding bone fragments. These patients will cry out in extremis while family members, committed life partners, and coworkers abandon them, and medical professionals deny them even the cheapest opioids.

My last story will offer practical insights for the elderly, too, such as tips on self-composting, and how to advertise and profit from the repurposing of superfluous organs, including toenails, uteruses, and assorted glands. It will aid in comprehension of what to expect in the afterlife, especially the little understood practice of backstroking on lakes of fire and brimstone, and a handy guide to the chemical properties of the Dead Sea.

My last story will introduce an innovative approach to extremely limited hard copy production, incorporating scratch-and-sniff patches that bring words to olfactory life. For example, it will allow the consumer to experience first-hand the consequences of inhaling sulfuric acid (H2SO4) in the segment detailing various sinister though perfectly legal construction industry practices. Additionally, a colorful and reusable patch transmitting the aroma of putrefied flesh will accompany each paragraph that addresses loathsome diseases (please see related paragraph above.)

My last story will be advertised by my publisher as the ultimate guide for pleasure-seekers, a life-changing tome so elevated in concept and execution that it resists conventional treatment by reviewers. Comparisons to immense gemstones, lush and exotic tropical islands, and private armies of any description will pale in comparison. The hype will convince potential buyers that without it, they cannot hope to lead meaningful lives, and that it therefore commands a price requiring most to take out second mortgages.

The net effect of my last story will be to discourage recreational reading among those who lack grit, to stifle or eliminate the production of English language prose and translations thereof, and to generate a massive uptick in Amsterdam-style exits. Further downstream consequences will include salutary results in global population density, air quality, and the well-being of wildlife, a heretofore underrepresented constituency.

The remaining, vastly diminished, readership will clamor for more.

In vain.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

My Last Story © 2024 Susan Hettinger 

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